In the early morning hours, cool spring rain poured all around our rural home. The little creek could not contain the waters. Spilling over into any and all low places. Including the low water crossing in our driveway. My heart sunk. This rain, this water was going to keep us trapped. Keep us hostage. Prevent us from going anywhere. Including our playdate.
I had been looking forward to getting out. Having time to sit with another mom as our children played. I was looking forward to a little “break”. A little time to be a woman.
As the day continued my heart grew frustrated and angry. The change of plans was not setting well. My way was crushed, and my pride too.
The girls also seemed to be having a rough day. The baby teething. Crying at random, only wanting to be held. I thought I could redeem the day. Baking for others. Surely this was the best way to spend my time on this dreary spring day. Serving. Making something others could enjoy.
The more I tried to press forward. The more I tried to do all the things that I wanted to do the more agitated my children seemed to become. And the more frustrated I became. The baby not accepting comfort. The toddler throwing tantrums over everyday occurrences.
The more they cried out the more my heart turned cold. I was angry. Angry at the rain for ruining our plans. Angry at myself for not thinking ahead and parking our van elsewhere. Angry at God for allowing us to be trapped.
I felt suffocated inside. I was crying right along with my children. By afternoon I was frustrated with my blessings. Little hearts that call me mommy. Little hands that reach up to me. I was failing them.
I was a mess. Frustrated. Angry. All because the day wasn’t going the way I had planned, I had hoped.
Finally, as I stood at the sink in front of a mountain of dishes. I cracked. Holy Spirit conviction. If I didn’t stop. If I didn’t deal with my heart there was going to be a major train wreck.
Reaching for my tablet I pressed play. As the music rolled out and into our ears I began to dance. Dance around the living room like a toddler ballerina. Delighted, joyful yet clumsy.
My girls stared at first. Then joined in with smiles. The two-year-old giggling and twirling with arms raised. The baby jumping in her Johnny Jumper. Lifting the baby into my arms we dance. Dance and gaze into one another’s eyes. Joy. I hold her close and smell her sweet baby skin.
My heart. My heart cracking, breaking at the whispering of the Holy Spirit. My feet dancing. My soul releasing anger, frustration. Freedom.
Laying the baby down for a nap. I pray over her as I often do but this time there are tears. Pooling and leaking from my big brown eyes. Father, I am sorry. I am sorry for holding onto anger. Father, I repent for my thoughts and feelings. Father, I am sorry for letting you down and my children too. I trust You. I trust Your will right now, today.
Walking from the baby’s room I feel complete release. Heart changed, warmed by His presence.
Entering back into the living room My toddler and I dance. I pick her up just as I had done many many times when she was a baby. Dancing around and around. Giggling.
Freedom. Love now fill our hearts.
Being angry was not worth the price. Being angry got me nowhere good.
Repenting. Listening to the Holy Spirit. Victory. Freedom. Love.
What is your heart condition today? What is the Holy Spirit trying to speak into your heart?
Proverbs 28:13-14 Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Blessed is the one who always trembles before God, but whoever hardens their heart falls into trouble. NIV
John 16:13-14 “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. 14 He will bring me glory by telling you whatever he receives from me.” NLT
Matthew 4:17 From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.” ESV
Romans 8:13-15 For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” NKJV
Acts 3:19 Now repent of your sins and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped away. NLT