I tell her, “No, please do not touch.”
Again, “Do not play with the toilet paper.”
And still, “No! Do…not…touch.”
Then she is by the trash can. “No, my child, do not touch the trash can. It is yucky.”
To myself, I think, Why is she not listening? How many times can she seemingly disobey me?”
Her little hand reaches in and inches from grabbing a handful of filth. “No!” I shout.
I have lost control. And I realize it wasn’t her. My daughter was not the one on trial here. No, it was me. I failed the test. I lost control of my emotions in that moment.
I did not see my daughter as a learning, discovering one-year-old but as a hindrance to me. I just wanted to pee in peace. Yes, that is all I wanted. A simple thing, yes. A normal task I needed to do. Yes, maybe I should have the right to pee in peace. Maybe I should have that moment alone. However, as soon as that door swung open and her little body bounced into the bathroom my temperature raised.
While I thought this was a test for her little one-year-old self I was wrong. So wrong.
Does God get upset when I barge in with prayer? Does God ask me to go away so He can have this moment alone? God allows me to bring my questions and curiosity to Him, always.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe as humans we need time alone to refresh. What I am getting at is love, service. Letting go of myself long enough to see the truth. To see Christ’s example of love, service. To let go of my expectation, my right to this or that and love, serve. Simply. Obediently.
After that incident in the bathroom, I prayed. Prayed for help to love and serve my family and others as Christ did.
You see, this is the beauty. When we mess up, fail the test, there is hope. There is a great love flowing to us even when that love is not flowing out of us.
God showed me this morning that my heart was not filled with love. I was not reacting to my daughter in love but in frustration and anger. I was seeing myself as more important than she in that moment. Her disobedience was not on trial, no, my love was.
On days you feel selfishness rising, don’t be afraid to bow low before our God. It’s okay. It’s okay to be honest with Him. He is tender, oh so gentle with our hearts. Pray. Ask. Let Him work in your heart. Work the miracle of the love of Jesus Christ in your heart.
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. ESV
Philippians 2:5-11 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor and gave him the name above all other names, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue declare that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. NLT
Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting. NKJV